the "broken" girl is dead.

Claire woke up with a slice of pizza stuck on her face. She peeled her eyelids open and looked around the room to find that she didn't know where she was. The pizza fell flat on the ground. The wall adjacent to her was splattered with what looked like stains of ketchup and spilled coffee as if imitating a Pollock painting. She pushed her small frame up with her fragile arms and looked down only to see that she wasn't wearing a shirt. In fact, she wasn't wearing anything that covered the important parts of her body. Her feet felt sweaty and when she thought it was because she was scared, she looked down and saw she was wearing socks.

A call from an old friend

I've only had one major relationship before my current one. And I use the word relationship loosely. We were involved with each other for three years before I broke it off, due to the insanity which ensued in me from the previous years. The weird thing is that lately I have been having dreams (nightmares?) about what happened in the past with him and I don't know why. It seems like they've been haunting me for a while but at the same time giving me a sense of clarity. I've always had trouble with people's past and never knew why. Today I got a call from my old friend (again I use the term friend loosely) and I didn't know what to say. I didn't know whether or not to be angry, happy, or indifferent. I kind of answered with a weirded out voice because I thought we were done with whatever we were involved with. It turns out I was the only one who thought that. We basically talked about family and friends and eventually, relationships. I told him the truth, that I was seriously involved with someone. He wanted to do lunch and I kindly declined. When I hung up, I stared at the phone for five minutes. You can say I was nonetheless angry with myself for having issues with people's past, because after I hung up, I realized that what is in peoples' past is history and I shouldn't let it affect how I feel about the people that are in my life right now. And after all, that's all that matters, right?

And you thought YOUR life was hard.

Reasons Why I'm Not Myself Lately.

I've been kind of a downer lately. I'm not going through an "emo" phase where I hate the world but i'm just in a phase where I don't like my living situation. I've lived at home all my life and this is the first time I'm ever going to leave it unwillingly/willingly. The reason I say unwillingly is because I never thought my life would come to a point where I wouldn't want to wake up to/spend the day with the people that I live with. Mainly the reason is because I don't have the greatest family ties. So, being forced out of my own home where I grew up isn't the greatest situation. On the other hand, I am willingly leaving because I want to live a normal life where I can wake up and feel good about myself. I noticed that after talking to one of my oldest friends today, that I haven't laughed a good laugh in a really, really long time. Knowing myself for 21+ years, I can say that this isn't a good sign. I've also been super glued to my bed to the point where I don't want to do the usual things I once looked forward to (i.e. going out with friends, going to the beach, taking photographs).

The only times I smile wholeheartedly is when I'm anywhere but home, which is wrong because my house used to be my refuge from whenever I was having a bad day. It pains me to leave because my dad and his wife are getting old and aren't in the best of shape. I feel like I'm abandoning them but at the same time I feel like my life and happiness depend on me moving out. People I know say that I share too much private info with the public, and if you think so, than I'm sorry and you should just stop reading this and carry on with what you were doing. I just needed to vent before midterms, I guess.

I honestly don't know anymore...

it's important

it's important to have family other than your mother and father. and if you don't have sisters or brothers or stepsisters or stepbrothers, then you should consider your closest friends your family, because in the end if you don't have either, you'll be really lonely and sad. it's important to love someone until it hurts you inside and you can't take it, because at least that love is there. it's important to be grateful for your family or those who remain in your family, because even though you say you hate them in a bout of anger, because even if they take your things without asking and lose them or break them, because even though they embarrass you with stories from when you were little, they're still there. it's important to love and be loved. it's important, because without it, we would die.

iPad or iTampon?

rotations

in a perfect world, libraries would be open 24 hours with a line around the block. in a perfect world, countries would solve problems like sane people and talk it out instead of shoot and bomb one another. in a perfect world, i would be well versed in poetry and old world literature. in a perfect world, i would drive an aston martin instead of a honda civic. in a perfect world, people would criticize one another on their character instead of their skin color. in a perfect world, i would know how to end this sentence.

who knew?

who knew that such a little dog could be missed and loved by so many people. it just takes one minute to be distracted for this little dog to leave the yard and disappear probably forever.

Flying Babies?!

Blue skies, bluer days

I saw the sky today and it was as if I was reunited with an old friend of mine. Nobody bothers to look up anymore. Straight, down, left or right, but never up. They looked menacing, the clouds, but it didn't get scare me. The wind on a day like this never falters and only lifts my soul. Screams turn into beats, tire screeches translate to songs in my head and I cover my ears because I fear rhythm.

Let me Pee on you.

SO, apparently according to go-girl.com, this device lets you pee like a man. I am not so sure how I feel about this, but I'm pretty sure it's just because i'm so stoked about it that I can't fully develop my own thoughts properly. Whaddyathink?

Fascination

Amazed is the word that tumbles
off my tongue so roughly
Falling into a distance unknown
to the naked eye
Perhaps it is the way she wears
that hair of hers that makes you
want to be her.

Thin and eloquent,
gentile and servile you can't
not help but think that he would
love you more if you had a
smile like that.

The heavy stone that weighed
down your loose tongue
has now withered into slow
rotting dust in heavy wind storms

Your independence is there
but hardly dwelled upon.
Fall to your knees in helplessness
in hope of feeling good again
the insecurities you once
felt are now thriving one more
time.

my worth

So, I got robbed a couple of days ago and I guess my paranoia has calmed down enough for me to write this blog.

Don't ask me the story. Please. I've repeated it too many times to count and repeating the story means reliving it. If you want to know, ask someone close to me. I'm sure they'll fill you in.

But that's not what I'm here to talk about. I'm not here to wallow about how distraught I feel or flaunt the fact that I can cross "be caught in a robbery" off my list of things to do. I'm here to state my feelings/realizations that had come from that robbery and what I had learned from it.

This may be too cliche for you, and if it is, then don't read any further.

I guess my whole "self-realization" came when I had the foot of a criminal on my back. It was only at this moment and the following moments after this that I felt weak. Now if you know me well enough, you know that I have always walked around with a dominant swagger as if I owned the world and I can make anything happen if I really wanted to. But I am not afraid to admit that in that moment, I was weak. It's important for me to emphasize this because I haven't felt that weak in a very, very long time. My ego was the last thing on my mind.This was actually a situation I had no control over and the only reason the other guys had say of what was happening was because they had a silver revolver cushioned comfortably in the palm of their hand.

Before the robbery even happened, I was eating a Nature Valley granola bar (no advertisement!) and as I took the last bite of it, my sister pulled me hard to the ground and told me that we were being robbed. I crawled into the back room as I was told and was still chewing on granola the whole time I had a gun pointed at my face. Then I realized -- "Holy shit, if I die, the last meal ever recorded in my life is a pathetic fucking granola bar." And as much as I would have loved to have chosen what my last meal would be, I realized that I wasn't in control of that. It didn't matter to the robber that my last meal would be a cheaply put together mid-day snack product. All that mattered to them was that they got the money that they wanted/"deserved" and got the hell out of there.

And the whole idea that everyone's life flashes before their eyes is bullshit. Sometimes peoples minds are a lot more structured than that when they're in a hostage situation. After having been kicked down to the floor and forced to wiggle with my chest and legs down (you try doing that and tell me how easy it is, stupid fucking criminals) into a small room with 9 other people in it, the last thing I was thinking about was my 5th birthday party. I was more or less thinking about how I was going to push the other people I didn't know so that I could make room for my aging father and older sister. Basically, I didn't want to have to see them get kicked down on the floor like I was.

The whole process is hard to believe, especially if you're living it in that precise moment. At the time, it didn't feel like a robbery to me. It just felt like a common emergency drill or another scene from a bad law/criminal justice show on late night television. There was no one guy that tried to be a hero because we all knew that this was reality and this is what we had to be put through.

Fucking me insane

He cursed at me the other night for not loving him enough. But after everything, how could I? The voice in my head told me he was someone I didn't know; a stranger, more or less. His hands that had once been wrapped around parts of my body had been on someone else now and there was nothing in the world that could change that.

The idea of having faith in someone was lost upon me. I was alone and wasn't sure if I should be happy about it. Freedom from this pain was all I ever wanted, and now I felt lost -- away from home.

Every feeling, passion, or excitement I once had for this relationship was sucked out of my soul like a vortex.

In some ways, I should have known. We fucked and it felt different. His thrusts were harder and careless. I wanted to scream but the weight of his body made me breathless. Our eyes never met and he didn't dare to kiss me. I felt his throbbing cock inching in and out of me, faster and faster until my powerless limbs gained enough strength to shove him off. His forehead glistened under the moonlight as he laid shell shocked on the brown carpet of my bedroom floor. "Get OUT," I said. We gave each other a look as if we could read each others minds.


I woke up to blood stained bed sheets. It wasn't like a murder scene, but more like a menstrual accident. My insides felt torn and it hurt to piss. I looked in the toilet only to see a hue of dark red and light yellow colors join together in unison. I looked at my pale white arms that held new characteristics to them -- blue and black circles forming around one another. It looked like I had been man handled by a police officer.

The cold water hit my face and I felt reborn. Water dripped from the tip of my crooked nose down to my lip and it sent a chill down my spine. I knew what had been done was done. The only thing left for me to do was to decide of how much more I wanted to deal with.

My adoration for Sylvia Plath will never die

A Mad Girl's Love Song

"I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,
And arbitrary blackness gallops in:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed
And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

God topples from the sky, hell's fires fade:
Exit seraphim and Satan's men:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I fancied you'd return the way you said,
But I grow old and I forget your name.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

I should have loved a thunderbird instead;
At least when spring comes they roar back again.
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)"

Finally, something raw.

I've been waiting years for a movie like this.

Post Secrets

I love Post Secret because there is so much I can relate too.

all aboard the baby train...

Is it just me, or are babies the new trend?

Babies = the new skinny jeans.

Almost everyone I knew from high school has one of these, but I gotta say, this is one trend I'm not so keen on following.

Since when did everyone decide they were responsible enough to get married and pop one of these things out (or in some of these cases, pop one of these things out and then get married)?
I'm still trying to pay off my credit card, and these people are procreating? where did all of this magical 'lets make a baby' money come from?! And where can I get some? Granted I'd use the money to make my car payment this month, but hey, that's what I wanna do with my money. And I only think it's fair that if people that aren't even financially ready to raise a family get state funds, then I should get state funds, too.

Here's a bright idea: since there's already TANF (Temporary Assistance for Needy Families) why doesn't the government create a TANS (Temporary Assistance for Needy Students)?
Or better yet, since this world is already over populated (we have to be careful to not have too many children or else we might have to mimic China and have only two kids and kill all the girls), why don't they start a program where they give people money who DON'T have children and instead use the money to help pay their college education. In an economy like this, can anyone really argue with me?

So back to my other question: where does all this baby making money come from?Oh, right, right, I totally forgot...they're those fuckers that are taking $20-$40 out of my stub each pay check. WOWEE I can't believe that I didn't know that that's where they're getting all their financial help from. While they're off buying their 3 month old babies True Religions/Baby Phat/Air Jordans, I'm at my job working hours at a time to support myself to try to make my car and credit card payments on time.

I think I'd rather just owning a dog.