I hate this feeling

Okay, so since my other blogs were all perky and shit, i figure one depressing blog is enough to even out the score.

Today is the anniversary of my mom's passing. And, of course, we had to do something about it. So yesterday, we went to church. The whole day I avoided thinking about her, but not to be mean. I guess after three years, I still can't get over what happened. In fact, I don't even feel like she's gone sometimes. It just feels like she's on vacation and taking a really long time to get home. I feel like ever since the hospital called and told us she died, I just denied the whole thing. For about a year I was still hoping she would come through our front door and say that the hospital made some terrible mistake. But she never did. I guess my hopes of her coming back were crushed by the fact that my sister, dad and aunt went to say goodbye to her, while I stayed in the waiting room refusing to see her and accept what happened.

Some people would probably wonder why I refused to say goodbye to her. And I just want to say that I did so because I felt that if i actually walked through those double doors, that I would walk out broken and no one would ever be able to fix me. I do, wonder sometimes, what it would have been like if I had a proper goodbye with my mom. I even think that would have given me closure on this whole ordeal. But all I know was that at that time, I couldn't handle what was given to me. And to be honest, I was pissed off...for numerous reasons. First off, I was (or am, I'm still not able to get over this) at God. I know, this is wrong. I'm not supposed to be pissed off at God. But step into my shoes for a minute. He made my mom suffer for almost a decade. She went through more than 10 hospitals to get treated, and when she was in remission, he decides that she hasn't had enough pain. So he lets it spread to her lungs. And it just went to hell from there. How could you not be mad at someone who lets that happen to the one person you look up to and adore? Granted she may be in a "better place", but right now, I'm starting to lose faith in the idea of there even being a "better place". But as of now, I am trying to recapture my faith...but it isn't easy. I'm currently filled with skepticism from head to toe.

Secondly, I am pissed off at life. All of those things people say about life are true. Life hands you shit, and you have to accept it, or else you won't be able to live with yourself. And right now, I haven't accepted what life handed to me. So where do you think I'm left? Sometimes it just seems easier to block out what happened and forget. The only downside is that, my memories of me and my mom are starting to fade away. I can't even remember the last time we went out, just the two of us. I can't remember the last time we laughed or the last time we hugged. All I remember is constantly waiting in the hospital. Just waiting. I also (unwillingly) remember my mom coming out of surgery and just laying there helpless. I knew she was fighting on the inside, but on the outside it was a whole other picture. So, I ask again, how could you not be pissed off at life when it hands you this.

Third, I'm pissed off with myself. I'm mad that I let my memories of me and her fade away. I am mad that I don't even have the balls to deal with my own pain and just accept what God and Life has given me. I'm not saying that my family has gotten over it either, because God knows how they deal with their own pain. I just feel that one of these days, I am going to break down when I shouldn't. I am mostly afraid of losing someone else I love...despite of the fact that 'death is a part of life.' The moment you lose the one you love, you really couldn't care less about those types of things. When someone close to you dies, you don't automatically become all philosophical and say, "well that's apart of life". You become consumed by what happened and try to figure out how to deal with the situation. Or if you're like me, you just ignore the situation all together.