Saturday, October 27, 2007

the expense of happiness

i just had an epiphany today...while i was in the bathroom (where most of my epiphany's occur)that had to do with the topic of happiness.
How many of us are actually truly happy with our lives? I'm not talking about one portion of our lives like our work or school place, but our entire life in general. Sure we have temporary moments of contentment but the operative word in this sentence is 'temporary'. After that, everything just fades away. We get A's on our tests and we become happy. But we strive for something more and if we fail we automatically think that there is something wrong with us. This made me lead on to wonder, is it society or our own personal goals that make us feel this way? And of course there's the idea of becoming rich or having a stable job, but money can only go so far. I'm starting to question whether or not being happy with ones self for a good amount of time is actually achievable. I've been on this earth for approximately 19 years and I have never once met one person that was happy with who they were as a person or with what they were doing in life.
We all dislike something about ourselves. Be it physical features or the internal problems we have. By the end of the day, we just look at ourselves in the mirror and feel a tinge of disappointment. And what's worse is that the slight disappointment you feel you have with yourself, suddenly is the only thing that is on your mind. It blocks out any feelings of happiness you had with yourself previously, and you soon become enveloped in your disappointment, thus feeding your disappointment with attention just like a mother feeds her baby. But we can't help it. It's human nature that makes us this way.
I always wondered if people weren't constantly judged by society, would it make any difference on how easy it would be to achieve personal happiness. To not let any other outside source cloud your judgment on yourself. Which brings me back to my previous point -- is it society that gets in our way? I personally have tried my best to not let anyone's judgment affect how i live my life. And honestly, i feel lost without it. Maybe I've been told where to go in life one too many times to the point where if left alone, i can't even figure out what i want myself. And to tell you the truth, I can't see myself being happy either way. I can't see myself getting married and having a family. I just see my future self being way too passionate about my work and living in a one bedroom apartment in a busy city somewhere. But that still leaves me with a blank on whether or not I'd end up being happy.