A call from an old friend

I've only had one major relationship before my current one. And I use the word relationship loosely. We were involved with each other for three years before I broke it off, due to the insanity which ensued in me from the previous years. The weird thing is that lately I have been having dreams (nightmares?) about what happened in the past with him and I don't know why. It seems like they've been haunting me for a while but at the same time giving me a sense of clarity. I've always had trouble with people's past and never knew why. Today I got a call from my old friend (again I use the term friend loosely) and I didn't know what to say. I didn't know whether or not to be angry, happy, or indifferent. I kind of answered with a weirded out voice because I thought we were done with whatever we were involved with. It turns out I was the only one who thought that. We basically talked about family and friends and eventually, relationships. I told him the truth, that I was seriously involved with someone. He wanted to do lunch and I kindly declined. When I hung up, I stared at the phone for five minutes. You can say I was nonetheless angry with myself for having issues with people's past, because after I hung up, I realized that what is in peoples' past is history and I shouldn't let it affect how I feel about the people that are in my life right now. And after all, that's all that matters, right?

And you thought YOUR life was hard.

Reasons Why I'm Not Myself Lately.

I've been kind of a downer lately. I'm not going through an "emo" phase where I hate the world but i'm just in a phase where I don't like my living situation. I've lived at home all my life and this is the first time I'm ever going to leave it unwillingly/willingly. The reason I say unwillingly is because I never thought my life would come to a point where I wouldn't want to wake up to/spend the day with the people that I live with. Mainly the reason is because I don't have the greatest family ties. So, being forced out of my own home where I grew up isn't the greatest situation. On the other hand, I am willingly leaving because I want to live a normal life where I can wake up and feel good about myself. I noticed that after talking to one of my oldest friends today, that I haven't laughed a good laugh in a really, really long time. Knowing myself for 21+ years, I can say that this isn't a good sign. I've also been super glued to my bed to the point where I don't want to do the usual things I once looked forward to (i.e. going out with friends, going to the beach, taking photographs).

The only times I smile wholeheartedly is when I'm anywhere but home, which is wrong because my house used to be my refuge from whenever I was having a bad day. It pains me to leave because my dad and his wife are getting old and aren't in the best of shape. I feel like I'm abandoning them but at the same time I feel like my life and happiness depend on me moving out. People I know say that I share too much private info with the public, and if you think so, than I'm sorry and you should just stop reading this and carry on with what you were doing. I just needed to vent before midterms, I guess.

I honestly don't know anymore...

it's important

it's important to have family other than your mother and father. and if you don't have sisters or brothers or stepsisters or stepbrothers, then you should consider your closest friends your family, because in the end if you don't have either, you'll be really lonely and sad. it's important to love someone until it hurts you inside and you can't take it, because at least that love is there. it's important to be grateful for your family or those who remain in your family, because even though you say you hate them in a bout of anger, because even if they take your things without asking and lose them or break them, because even though they embarrass you with stories from when you were little, they're still there. it's important to love and be loved. it's important, because without it, we would die.

iPad or iTampon?

rotations

in a perfect world, libraries would be open 24 hours with a line around the block. in a perfect world, countries would solve problems like sane people and talk it out instead of shoot and bomb one another. in a perfect world, i would be well versed in poetry and old world literature. in a perfect world, i would drive an aston martin instead of a honda civic. in a perfect world, people would criticize one another on their character instead of their skin color. in a perfect world, i would know how to end this sentence.

who knew?

who knew that such a little dog could be missed and loved by so many people. it just takes one minute to be distracted for this little dog to leave the yard and disappear probably forever.