Losing my religion

WOW i haven't been on here for a while. excuse my unintentional vacation from here. wellll here's a article i wrote for the Union. enjoy. or don't. its up to you, really.
I believe it was around 7 years ago, during the ‘millennium’ period that I had first seen the phrases, “The world is going to end!”, “God’s wrath lies ahead!” and my all time favorite, “The end is near!” posted everywhere – on billboards, bumper stickers, and sometimes even t-shirts. Now do you notice how all of those phrases ended with an exclamation point? It’s because if you’re reading it, the religious psycho wants you to know that they would be yelling it in your face if they were there.
Honestly, I’m sick of having people force their views on me, especially if those views are about religion. Don’t get me wrong, I have my own views on religion. After all I grew up in a strict catholic household where I was taught to pray every night and do things such as the rosary or a Friday night prayer. But in all of those years I spent being taught how to be a good catholic, I did not once voice/force my opinion on anyone who didn’t want to hear it.
I think it’s pretty obvious to everyone by now that religion is a very touchy subject – one that is almost always avoided as much as the subject of abortion, but let’s not get into that topic. So if almost everyone knows that religion is such a sensitive topic, then why still talk about it or even preach it to uninterested parties? Granted you want to “save my soul from the fires of hell”, and thank you for your generosity, but I’d rather save my own soul on my own time.
Everyone’s views on life, religion, or politics are all great in my eyes. Hell, I’m even content with the fact that you even have a view on any one of those things to begin with. And I will appreciate and always respect those
views – so long as they are not forcefully thrown into my face (and the small spit particles that fly from your mouth onto my face won’t help the situation either). I will only overreact if you overreact. And chances are if you are preaching about religion, you’re pretty much overreacting. But all that your constant preaching is going to do is make me lose my faith that much more. Since I’m in college, I’m already on the bends about my religious views, and it doesn’t help that an (annoying/arrogant/
inconsiderate) outside source is getting in the way of me making up my mind on religion. So do me a favor my fellow religious recruiter, and leave me alone while I am walking towards my destination. Because if you preach in my face about my existing religious views, I will just look at you straight in the eye and preach my opinion in your face. And I won’t be quiet about it either.

the mother of all cool guitars

you know how you want the most unnecessary things at the most unnecessary times? well this is one of them. ever since i watched Audio slaves video for "Like a Stone", I've been pining for Tom Morello's Soul Power guitar. its just so fucking incredible. its almost hard to digest.ugh.

Eh

I'm waiting too.

I'm corny, I know...

I'm not the type of person to say that something/someone "changed my life", but after reading all three of Albom's books, it's kind of hard to say that they haven't had any impact on my life...or rather, how I live it. Call me corny or whatever, but he really knows how to tap into a part of your emotions. The last time I cried while reading a book was when I got to the end of Harry Potter (and the Goblet of Fire) when they killed off Cedric Diggory. But Albom's books are different. His books really make you cry....and laugh, but mostly cry. And knowing me, it takes a lot to even make me shed a tear, so you know his books are good for something. There is just something about his books...he makes them so easy for you to relate to. I seriously cannot wait until he comes out with another book, so I could try to catch him on his book tour and like, hug him.

My heroin

I am addicted to these. Some one take them out of my hands so I don't end up eating the whole box.

I hate this feeling

Okay, so since my other blogs were all perky and shit, i figure one depressing blog is enough to even out the score.

Today is the anniversary of my mom's passing. And, of course, we had to do something about it. So yesterday, we went to church. The whole day I avoided thinking about her, but not to be mean. I guess after three years, I still can't get over what happened. In fact, I don't even feel like she's gone sometimes. It just feels like she's on vacation and taking a really long time to get home. I feel like ever since the hospital called and told us she died, I just denied the whole thing. For about a year I was still hoping she would come through our front door and say that the hospital made some terrible mistake. But she never did. I guess my hopes of her coming back were crushed by the fact that my sister, dad and aunt went to say goodbye to her, while I stayed in the waiting room refusing to see her and accept what happened.

Some people would probably wonder why I refused to say goodbye to her. And I just want to say that I did so because I felt that if i actually walked through those double doors, that I would walk out broken and no one would ever be able to fix me. I do, wonder sometimes, what it would have been like if I had a proper goodbye with my mom. I even think that would have given me closure on this whole ordeal. But all I know was that at that time, I couldn't handle what was given to me. And to be honest, I was pissed off...for numerous reasons. First off, I was (or am, I'm still not able to get over this) at God. I know, this is wrong. I'm not supposed to be pissed off at God. But step into my shoes for a minute. He made my mom suffer for almost a decade. She went through more than 10 hospitals to get treated, and when she was in remission, he decides that she hasn't had enough pain. So he lets it spread to her lungs. And it just went to hell from there. How could you not be mad at someone who lets that happen to the one person you look up to and adore? Granted she may be in a "better place", but right now, I'm starting to lose faith in the idea of there even being a "better place". But as of now, I am trying to recapture my faith...but it isn't easy. I'm currently filled with skepticism from head to toe.

Secondly, I am pissed off at life. All of those things people say about life are true. Life hands you shit, and you have to accept it, or else you won't be able to live with yourself. And right now, I haven't accepted what life handed to me. So where do you think I'm left? Sometimes it just seems easier to block out what happened and forget. The only downside is that, my memories of me and my mom are starting to fade away. I can't even remember the last time we went out, just the two of us. I can't remember the last time we laughed or the last time we hugged. All I remember is constantly waiting in the hospital. Just waiting. I also (unwillingly) remember my mom coming out of surgery and just laying there helpless. I knew she was fighting on the inside, but on the outside it was a whole other picture. So, I ask again, how could you not be pissed off at life when it hands you this.

Third, I'm pissed off with myself. I'm mad that I let my memories of me and her fade away. I am mad that I don't even have the balls to deal with my own pain and just accept what God and Life has given me. I'm not saying that my family has gotten over it either, because God knows how they deal with their own pain. I just feel that one of these days, I am going to break down when I shouldn't. I am mostly afraid of losing someone else I love...despite of the fact that 'death is a part of life.' The moment you lose the one you love, you really couldn't care less about those types of things. When someone close to you dies, you don't automatically become all philosophical and say, "well that's apart of life". You become consumed by what happened and try to figure out how to deal with the situation. Or if you're like me, you just ignore the situation all together.

one thousand sighs

Anderson Cooper gives me a boner. For serious.

I Miss You...

Manhattan! I MISS YOU!!!! ohh so much. Ever since I got back to California, I've been comparing everything to NY. If you'd like to know, California is losing in the comparison game. There is so much to do in NY and the weather is fugging awesome. Its like 98 degrees everyday and the sun is out (almost) everyday. But when I got off the plane, i felt like i was in a huge bubble of depressing weather. I haven't seen California sun in almost 2 weeks. What the fugging hell is that about? But, I guess it will get better....hopefully. So far there are no updates. I just need a job. badly. give me one if you have one.

NY Itinerary

1.) Drop off luggage at hotel
2.) Look for Conor Oberst
3.) If I find him, stalk him
4.) Sing Lover I Don't Have to Love to his face
5.) Walk away more infatuated with him than I was before

Watch Out New York

I wish i could change the date on this thing to say April 23 just so that I can type that I spontaneously decided to go to New York. I finally emptied out my piggy bank and gave it all to AAA so they can book my flight and hotel.

That's right...i'm going in exactly 2 days. I can't hold in my excitement. I've been wanting to go to New York ever since I watched my first New York movie....which i can't remember the title of...ha. how funny. okay i'm officially lame for laughing at my own joke. but whatever! i'm going to NY! they'll just have to deal with my lameness over there. I can't wait...finals took forever to finish, and now i'm done! Arrivederci California!

i love chocolate

if chocolate was a man, i would do obscene things to him.

assumptions

About a month ago, i was listening to the radio, and i heard the dj talk about assumptions. The one thing he said was that, "assumptions are bullshit"--and once he said those three words, i had, without hesitation, agreed with him.

Everyday, we fall under the assumption that today will be just like yesterday. We assume that the worst won't happen to us, and as a result, we end up with our expectations blown to pieces by the end of the day. Whether it's a bad day at work, or at home, we always fall under the assumption that each day we live will be a 'good day'. But it isn't until we have a life changing experience, that we realize that our every day assumptions are infact bullshit.

I can't help but admit that I too have fallen into that haze of everyday assumptions. Ever since i was a child until Sophomore year in high school, i assumed that everyday was going to be the same, with only minor occurances to change my perspectives on how that day was different from the days previous. Minor occurances such as bad grades on tests, rumor spreading around campus, and mini arguements with my friends.

My assumptions soon stopped after sophomore year had ended; which mistakenably was the same time when i lost someone that i looked up to and loved with all my heart. After that day, I couldn't bear to assume that life would ever be the same. That my days, in general, would ever be the same. For a while now, i've lived in fear of losing another person i love. Though i never show it in the way i act or talk, that fear is buried deep inside me, and its just waiting to burst out.

Assumptions may not play a large role in your life. But they have in mine. And i just want to warn who ever is reading this, that if you're basing your life on assumptions, then you just have to buckle up, and wait for your expectations to be blown to pieces.

Not so self-effacing

Lately, ive been feeling like i'm doing things just to make other people happy. And now i find that, i myself am not happy. The major thing I fear is that i will fall into conformity; that i wont get to be my own person, and that other peoples expectations will get in the way of my own. Therefore, from now on, i choose to be self-righteous. But not in that snobby, bitchy kind of way. I'll only be self-righteous when i need to be. Its not that i hate it when people to ask me to do things, because i will do it. But when you ask me to do something that only benefits you, and leaves me in the dark, then i feel rather hesitant to do such things. But, in the past, i've been stupid enough to not think things through. So, i guess i'm adding this to my New Years resolution.