Rotten Apples

I remember every single detail of the day that I met Adam. It was towards the end of summer when I was starting my third year of college. The sun pierced through my window panes and onto my then closed eyelids. The pain on my eyes from the sunlight was a sign that I had to get up to start my day. But, to tell you the truth, my day started out crappy. I was awake for a good 2 minutes before my alarm went off and it was at that moment that I just knew I wasn't in the mood to get up. But being "Susie College", I pulled my lazy ass out of bed and rubbed off the drool that was encrusted on my chin. I drool a lot. Even when I'm fully awake and working through my day. In addition to it being pretty gross, it ruins my daily schedule as well as my social life...well that's what I like to believe anyway. Once I finished de-drooling my mouth, I got dressed and drove the 1 hour and 30 minute commute it takes to get to Verona.

I pulled up into the cold dull walls of our parking structure, which by the way was where I met Adam. I was walking down the rows of cars when I tripped on my own shoe--in addition to having large salivary glands, I'm also probably the clumsiest person on the face of this earth. Then to my luck, Adam was just getting out of his car.

"Oh my God! Are you okay?" Adam asked with a sense of shock in his voice.

"Yeah, yeah, I guess I should watch out next time...." I said looking around as if some stranger came, tripped me and ran away.

"What'd you tripped on?" he asked looking around concerned.

"Uhmm...my....shoe," I responded embarrassingly.

Adam's face lit up.

"Well, yeah I guess you should watch out for your shoes next time then, I hear they could be tricky sons of a bitches," he said still smiling.

Thoroughly embarrassed with myself I took a quick glance at him and smiled. I wanted to leave badly. Any other girl would stay and talk with him and most likely flirt back. Sadly flirting or even talking to boys is just not my forte. I pushed myself up off the cold cement, grabbed my books and was getting ready to walk away.

"Hey, why are you in such a rush?" he asked with a raised voice as I was walking away.

"I, uh, have to get to class! I'm gonna to be really late!"
My head was turned in his direction but my eyes were pointed straight ahead. "I'm sorry, but thanks a lot for helping me! Have a nice life!" I said as I walked out the door.

'Have a nice life?!' What the fuck was that Eva? You couldn't even say 'have a nice day'? Good Lord, I probably came off as a huge douche bag. God, ok get over it, Verona University is a ridiculously large campus. I'm probably never going to see him again. If I do, I am so taking "have a nice life" out of my vocabulary. Ok, I'm over it.


I didn't actually have to leave to class. I wasn't even close to being late. I was about 2 hours early. I guess I was just scared off by the rush of talking to a man as nice and beautiful as Adam. I could tell God took time making him. And I know I said I was 'over it', but truth is, I was still obsessing about it while I was walking to the computer lab. I finally opened up my Biochem book to get my mind off of the situation. Surprisingly, I was the only one in the computer lab. I say 'surprisingly' because there's usually some nerd in the corner playing anime video games.
I lounged on one of the couches in the lab when, twenty minutes into my reading, I noticed someone else was coming in. The thin cellophane on the double doors made it hard to distinguish who was about to open it. I saw a head covered in dark brown hair peak through the doors and then the head turned and looked my way.

Holy shit

It was Adam. Trying to be 'slick', I pulled the book up to try and cover my face.
It didn't work.

"HEY!" he said with his luscious voice.

I was still covering my face.

"I know it's you, you really suck at hiding. You look like you're suffocating yourself in your book," he said letting off a slight laugh.

"OH HI! I didn't see you. I mean, hear you. No, I meant see you."

You are such an idiot, Eva

My butt was suddenly lifted by the cushion due to the fact that Adam had sat next to me. We were sitting on a love seat -- ah, the irony.

"I thought you had to go to class? Did you lie to me?" he asked pretending to look hurt.

"A little bit..." I responded, still staring at my book the whole time.

"I hope you know lying's bad for your health"
I let out a snort and smiled. My eyes finally tore away from the book and looked into his eyes.

"Finally you look at me, I was starting to think I had a booger in my nose or something..." he said.

"I'm Adam by the way.” He held out his hand.

"Eva"

"Huh...'Adam and Eva', that's quiet a coincidence isn't it?" he said.

"I have to pee," I blurted out, totally killing the moment.

Adam laughed and said he had to get to class. He asked for my number, which caught me off guard. The only time I ever gave my number to a guy was when we did group projects. But when Adam asked for it I didn't think to hesitate.
Throughout the semester Adam and I had gone out to lunches with each other and hung out between classes. Between the both of us he was the most talkative. He always asked weird and random questions that made you think twice about how sane he really was. But, in spite of that, I began to get comfortable around him and I finally broke out of my shell and realized that talking to Adam was easy.

One day we were walking down the deserted track field late in the afternoon when he asked me the most insane question I had ever heard.

"Do you think the world is going to end?" he asked with a serious tone

"Uh, no. The world is a big circle. Circles never end, they just keep going round and round an--"

"No seriously," he responded, cutting me off "you don't ever think that God might come and there might be a sort of judgment day?"

"No, because I don't believe in those theories. I think it's all bullshit. It seems like the media is trying to syndicate my life with all of that hoo ha. The thought of Global Warming makes me laugh, and don't even get me started on Pryus's and Hybrid's--" I stopped mid-sentence and realized that Adam drove a Hybrid.

"Well, no offense to you, if that's what you believe in then power to ya," I quickly responded, hoping to erase my verbal mistake.

"You honestly don't think that there’s the slightest chance that the world might end?" he asked, ignoring my previous statement.

"Honestly, no. Are you one of those super religious people? Is that why you're asking me this?"

"No, I just noticed you've lost faith...a little bit" he said looking down at his feet as if he knew what he was saying was completely ridiculous.

"How do you know if I've lost faith or not. And why are we talking about this?"
"God noticed you lost faith, too" he said

At that moment, I thought he was going to hand me a flier with a picture of Jesus on it.

"What does faith have to do with this conversation, I thought you were talking about a cataclysmic event, not some spiritual uplifting..." I snapped back.

"If you had faith, you wouldn't be giving me attitude and snapping back, I'm just saying that you've lost faith, and you of all people cannot lose faith. God notices when people lose touch with their spirituality; he especially notices if YOU lose faith in him. I mean, don't you get it by now...you're a chosen one," he said with a straightforward tone.

This time I couldn't tell if he was bullshitting me.

"'Chosen one'? What the fuck are you talking about, I'm not even Jewish! I don't even know what you’re leading on to. This conversation is really getting me off edge," I responded "can we please change the subject?"

"You're losing faith, Eva, at a great pace too. God is upset and of all people, He doesn't want you to lose faith."

"What are you talking about? Please elaborate because my brain is starting to hurt"
"GOD Eva, I can't believe you're not connecting the dots. I'm Adam. God sent me here to reinstate your faith. He knows that you've lost it ever since your mom died. But I'm here to help you."

I stopped cold in the middle of the track field. Adam told me to sit down and let it all absorb. The cold metal from the bleachers touched my skin and sent a shock through me, but it was no comparison to the shock I was going through at that moment. I didn't understand, as close as Adam and I had gotten over the past few weeks, I never told him about my mothers death and my loss of faith as a result of it. How did he know? I thought it was some sort of cruel joke.

"Look, I know this is a lot to take in..."

No shit

"but we're running out of time," Adam said pointedly.

"What do you mean 'running out of time'?"

"The world is going to end soon, and if you don't gain your faith back, you can't come back with me. I want you to come back with me," he said staring at me with anxious eyes.

"Come back with you where?! You're not being clear at all. How do you know the world is going to end, and where are we going?" I asked with an enraged and demanding tone in my voice.

"God is finally giving me redemption. If I save you, we both get to go back to Eden. You're my Eve"

"But my name's Eva”

"Now you're Eva, but in your past life you were Eve. And now God is predicting that you are going to sin, and I have to save you before you do anything. Before the world ends and it's too late.

I was caught in a state of doubt. What if Adam was lying to me? But then again, why would anyone lie about something like this. I took a deep breath and shot Adam a look of skepticism.

"I'm not lying to you," Adam said without hesitation. "I can see the doubt in your eyes, you think I'm feeding you bullshit, but I'm not."

"Prove it"

He let out a slight sigh and pulled up his shirt. I couldn't believe it. He didn't have a belly button. I waited a moment, hoping that play dough would fall out of his naval, but nothing fell out.

"Holy shit, you're Adam" I stated in pure amazement

"If you want to state the obvious, then yeah I am," he said amused at my shock.

"Look, you could choose to stay here and play out the rest of your life and end up sinning, or you could regain your faith in God and spend the rest of eternity with me in Eden. It's that easy," he said.

"Easy?! Who said any of this was easy? You're asking me to decide on whether or not I should leave my family and friends and go with you...That isn't easy!" I said screaming at him. "You're also asking me to regain faith in God, which is something I find very hard to do right now seeing how I recently lost my mom. How can I have faith in someone that took the one person I loved away from me?"

"Because that's the way life works. Life, as mean as this may sound, isn't pretty. Wars happen, poverty is inevitable, and people die. That’s just how life is. You're parents can't live forever, and neither can you...unless you come with me to Eden. Don't you want that?" he asked with an eager tone.

"How do I know you're not doing this just so you get to go to Eden. How do I know you're not doing this out of your own selfishness?"

"Because I know you and everything you've been through. You deserve this."

I felt like I was on the verge of crying. I looked around trying to avoid any eye contact with Adam. Instead I looked down at the grass.

"I...can't. I have too much to live for. If God does exist, then he should understand that"

"You're telling me that you would give up Eden for the life you're living right now?"
I nodded.

"Are you sure you want this? Because I can't come back if you change your mind. I only have one shot at this."

"I'm positive”

At that moment a tear strolled down Adam’s cheek. He knew he failed at his attempt to reinstate my faith.

Wednesday Cafe

its not done yet.

Theodore strolled down 73rd street early Wednesday morning, just like he had done for the past 5 years. After every ten steps he would take, he would breathe in the cold crisp air that was a marked sign that it was, once again, winter. As Theo turns the corner, he notices the same layout of the yet-to-be busy street: the old Yiddish man on the corner of Winston and 73rd setting up his boxes of oranges, the old decaying gypsy woman next to him offering palm readings for only 10 dollars and the middle-aged black woman that sells poultry. He smiles and nods, quickly (and purposefully) losing eye contact in order to avoid any conversation with people he considered to be 'common folk'.

Everyday before today was the same routine: walk to Yard House cafe, pick up a brew, grab a paper and head to work. But today would be different. Today, Theo would have an encounter that would affect his life, as well as the life of his family forever. But Theodore doesn't know this yet. No, poor naive Theo is unaware that one young woman, full of bright hope and aspirations of her own is going to ruin his life.

Theo grips the cold door handle and pushes effortlessly. The small golden tinged bell rings, allowing other customers and the cashier aware of a new presence in the coffee shop. His eyes quickly graze over the small crowd of business people -- the 26 year old paralegal, giving his friend legal advice while he adjusts his tie to his liking, the middle aged brunette striking up a business proposal over the phone. But as Theo looks around, he notices something different- a young blond, seated near the floor to ceiling window, not dressed in business attire, flipping through an issue of Vogue. He is automatically intrigued by her presence in the coffee shop and finds himself unconsciously staring. She feels him stare at her, almost as if it was an invisible force on her front body. Her eyes innocently roll up to meet his gaze. Both become instantly embarrassed at the situation and look away. "I'll have a large Columbian", says Theo still taking small glances at the young lady whose eyes seem to get more enveloped in the magazine the more he stares at her. As Theo lightly grips the coffee cup, he finds that his legs have a mind of their own and start walking in the direction of the young girl. She looks up and smiles as she notices him walking to her table. "Hi, I'm sorry but I think I've seen you around before", Theo says his voice slightly trembling. "Hi, I'm sorry, but I think I've heard that line one too many times before", responds the girl with a slightly amused tone in her voice. "Your clever lines amaze everyone but me", Theo declares. They both smirk at one another and the young lady turns her head as she feels her cheeks starting to heat up with embarrassment. "Can...I, uh, join you?" he asks with slight hesitation, afraid of being shot down. "Yeah sure!" she remarks with a shot of excitement as if Theo were the first person to ever talk to her in her life. She reaches for her bag on the empty seat and throws it carelessly on the floor. "I'm Theodore by the way", he says as he plops his bottom on the cold steel of the chair. "Emilia", she quickly responds, "so what important place are you headed to mister?"
"Ha, I doubt you could consider it 'important'", says Theo with a chuckle, "it's just another day at the office, nothing as exciting as sitting here with you chatting".
"Oh so what is this boring job you do?" she asks with a curious tone.
"I'm the executive manager of Paper Age...and I didn't say it was boring, I just said it wasn't so important..." Theo reflects on the thought for a brief second, "Well, okay fine I guess you could say it's kind of boring, but after 10 years of working there, wouldn't you get bored out of your mind too?" he asks.
"You work with a paper company!? Like in that show "The Office"! she says with a bright smile on her face.
Theo accidentally lets out a large snort as if he's laughing at her. As a result her head pulls away as a sign that she is slightly offended.
"I'm sorry, I wasn't laughing at you..." he says, his voice trailing off.
"Yes you were, do you think I'm mentally retarded or something?", she says defensively
"No--" she interupts his defense
"I can tell when people lie, and you're obvious because your eye does this retarded twitchy thing. You are a bad liar."
"Okay, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings. I just haven't heard anyone compare my office to the office on the TV show. You just say things that are new and fresh, and trust me that's not a bad thing...are we okay now?" he asks.
Emilia looks at him and laughs.
"I was totally joking, I can't believe you bought that, you look so cute when you go on the defensive."
Theo sits in dazed disbelief, "wow that was harsh! But I forgive you..."
"You seem very
Emilia slowly opens up a wide grin. They stare at one another for what seems like an eternity. Their seemingly romantic staring contest is interrupted by a cell phone ring.
"Holy shit," Theo says as he jumps off his seat
"I'm 20 minutes late for work, I have to go, but is it possible if I could call you?"

Losing my religion

WOW i haven't been on here for a while. excuse my unintentional vacation from here. wellll here's a article i wrote for the Union. enjoy. or don't. its up to you, really.
I believe it was around 7 years ago, during the ‘millennium’ period that I had first seen the phrases, “The world is going to end!”, “God’s wrath lies ahead!” and my all time favorite, “The end is near!” posted everywhere – on billboards, bumper stickers, and sometimes even t-shirts. Now do you notice how all of those phrases ended with an exclamation point? It’s because if you’re reading it, the religious psycho wants you to know that they would be yelling it in your face if they were there.
Honestly, I’m sick of having people force their views on me, especially if those views are about religion. Don’t get me wrong, I have my own views on religion. After all I grew up in a strict catholic household where I was taught to pray every night and do things such as the rosary or a Friday night prayer. But in all of those years I spent being taught how to be a good catholic, I did not once voice/force my opinion on anyone who didn’t want to hear it.
I think it’s pretty obvious to everyone by now that religion is a very touchy subject – one that is almost always avoided as much as the subject of abortion, but let’s not get into that topic. So if almost everyone knows that religion is such a sensitive topic, then why still talk about it or even preach it to uninterested parties? Granted you want to “save my soul from the fires of hell”, and thank you for your generosity, but I’d rather save my own soul on my own time.
Everyone’s views on life, religion, or politics are all great in my eyes. Hell, I’m even content with the fact that you even have a view on any one of those things to begin with. And I will appreciate and always respect those
views – so long as they are not forcefully thrown into my face (and the small spit particles that fly from your mouth onto my face won’t help the situation either). I will only overreact if you overreact. And chances are if you are preaching about religion, you’re pretty much overreacting. But all that your constant preaching is going to do is make me lose my faith that much more. Since I’m in college, I’m already on the bends about my religious views, and it doesn’t help that an (annoying/arrogant/
inconsiderate) outside source is getting in the way of me making up my mind on religion. So do me a favor my fellow religious recruiter, and leave me alone while I am walking towards my destination. Because if you preach in my face about my existing religious views, I will just look at you straight in the eye and preach my opinion in your face. And I won’t be quiet about it either.

the mother of all cool guitars

you know how you want the most unnecessary things at the most unnecessary times? well this is one of them. ever since i watched Audio slaves video for "Like a Stone", I've been pining for Tom Morello's Soul Power guitar. its just so fucking incredible. its almost hard to digest.ugh.

Eh

I'm waiting too.

I'm corny, I know...

I'm not the type of person to say that something/someone "changed my life", but after reading all three of Albom's books, it's kind of hard to say that they haven't had any impact on my life...or rather, how I live it. Call me corny or whatever, but he really knows how to tap into a part of your emotions. The last time I cried while reading a book was when I got to the end of Harry Potter (and the Goblet of Fire) when they killed off Cedric Diggory. But Albom's books are different. His books really make you cry....and laugh, but mostly cry. And knowing me, it takes a lot to even make me shed a tear, so you know his books are good for something. There is just something about his books...he makes them so easy for you to relate to. I seriously cannot wait until he comes out with another book, so I could try to catch him on his book tour and like, hug him.

My heroin

I am addicted to these. Some one take them out of my hands so I don't end up eating the whole box.

I hate this feeling

Okay, so since my other blogs were all perky and shit, i figure one depressing blog is enough to even out the score.

Today is the anniversary of my mom's passing. And, of course, we had to do something about it. So yesterday, we went to church. The whole day I avoided thinking about her, but not to be mean. I guess after three years, I still can't get over what happened. In fact, I don't even feel like she's gone sometimes. It just feels like she's on vacation and taking a really long time to get home. I feel like ever since the hospital called and told us she died, I just denied the whole thing. For about a year I was still hoping she would come through our front door and say that the hospital made some terrible mistake. But she never did. I guess my hopes of her coming back were crushed by the fact that my sister, dad and aunt went to say goodbye to her, while I stayed in the waiting room refusing to see her and accept what happened.

Some people would probably wonder why I refused to say goodbye to her. And I just want to say that I did so because I felt that if i actually walked through those double doors, that I would walk out broken and no one would ever be able to fix me. I do, wonder sometimes, what it would have been like if I had a proper goodbye with my mom. I even think that would have given me closure on this whole ordeal. But all I know was that at that time, I couldn't handle what was given to me. And to be honest, I was pissed off...for numerous reasons. First off, I was (or am, I'm still not able to get over this) at God. I know, this is wrong. I'm not supposed to be pissed off at God. But step into my shoes for a minute. He made my mom suffer for almost a decade. She went through more than 10 hospitals to get treated, and when she was in remission, he decides that she hasn't had enough pain. So he lets it spread to her lungs. And it just went to hell from there. How could you not be mad at someone who lets that happen to the one person you look up to and adore? Granted she may be in a "better place", but right now, I'm starting to lose faith in the idea of there even being a "better place". But as of now, I am trying to recapture my faith...but it isn't easy. I'm currently filled with skepticism from head to toe.

Secondly, I am pissed off at life. All of those things people say about life are true. Life hands you shit, and you have to accept it, or else you won't be able to live with yourself. And right now, I haven't accepted what life handed to me. So where do you think I'm left? Sometimes it just seems easier to block out what happened and forget. The only downside is that, my memories of me and my mom are starting to fade away. I can't even remember the last time we went out, just the two of us. I can't remember the last time we laughed or the last time we hugged. All I remember is constantly waiting in the hospital. Just waiting. I also (unwillingly) remember my mom coming out of surgery and just laying there helpless. I knew she was fighting on the inside, but on the outside it was a whole other picture. So, I ask again, how could you not be pissed off at life when it hands you this.

Third, I'm pissed off with myself. I'm mad that I let my memories of me and her fade away. I am mad that I don't even have the balls to deal with my own pain and just accept what God and Life has given me. I'm not saying that my family has gotten over it either, because God knows how they deal with their own pain. I just feel that one of these days, I am going to break down when I shouldn't. I am mostly afraid of losing someone else I love...despite of the fact that 'death is a part of life.' The moment you lose the one you love, you really couldn't care less about those types of things. When someone close to you dies, you don't automatically become all philosophical and say, "well that's apart of life". You become consumed by what happened and try to figure out how to deal with the situation. Or if you're like me, you just ignore the situation all together.

one thousand sighs

Anderson Cooper gives me a boner. For serious.

I Miss You...

Manhattan! I MISS YOU!!!! ohh so much. Ever since I got back to California, I've been comparing everything to NY. If you'd like to know, California is losing in the comparison game. There is so much to do in NY and the weather is fugging awesome. Its like 98 degrees everyday and the sun is out (almost) everyday. But when I got off the plane, i felt like i was in a huge bubble of depressing weather. I haven't seen California sun in almost 2 weeks. What the fugging hell is that about? But, I guess it will get better....hopefully. So far there are no updates. I just need a job. badly. give me one if you have one.

NY Itinerary

1.) Drop off luggage at hotel
2.) Look for Conor Oberst
3.) If I find him, stalk him
4.) Sing Lover I Don't Have to Love to his face
5.) Walk away more infatuated with him than I was before

Watch Out New York

I wish i could change the date on this thing to say April 23 just so that I can type that I spontaneously decided to go to New York. I finally emptied out my piggy bank and gave it all to AAA so they can book my flight and hotel.

That's right...i'm going in exactly 2 days. I can't hold in my excitement. I've been wanting to go to New York ever since I watched my first New York movie....which i can't remember the title of...ha. how funny. okay i'm officially lame for laughing at my own joke. but whatever! i'm going to NY! they'll just have to deal with my lameness over there. I can't wait...finals took forever to finish, and now i'm done! Arrivederci California!

i love chocolate

if chocolate was a man, i would do obscene things to him.

assumptions

About a month ago, i was listening to the radio, and i heard the dj talk about assumptions. The one thing he said was that, "assumptions are bullshit"--and once he said those three words, i had, without hesitation, agreed with him.

Everyday, we fall under the assumption that today will be just like yesterday. We assume that the worst won't happen to us, and as a result, we end up with our expectations blown to pieces by the end of the day. Whether it's a bad day at work, or at home, we always fall under the assumption that each day we live will be a 'good day'. But it isn't until we have a life changing experience, that we realize that our every day assumptions are infact bullshit.

I can't help but admit that I too have fallen into that haze of everyday assumptions. Ever since i was a child until Sophomore year in high school, i assumed that everyday was going to be the same, with only minor occurances to change my perspectives on how that day was different from the days previous. Minor occurances such as bad grades on tests, rumor spreading around campus, and mini arguements with my friends.

My assumptions soon stopped after sophomore year had ended; which mistakenably was the same time when i lost someone that i looked up to and loved with all my heart. After that day, I couldn't bear to assume that life would ever be the same. That my days, in general, would ever be the same. For a while now, i've lived in fear of losing another person i love. Though i never show it in the way i act or talk, that fear is buried deep inside me, and its just waiting to burst out.

Assumptions may not play a large role in your life. But they have in mine. And i just want to warn who ever is reading this, that if you're basing your life on assumptions, then you just have to buckle up, and wait for your expectations to be blown to pieces.

Not so self-effacing

Lately, ive been feeling like i'm doing things just to make other people happy. And now i find that, i myself am not happy. The major thing I fear is that i will fall into conformity; that i wont get to be my own person, and that other peoples expectations will get in the way of my own. Therefore, from now on, i choose to be self-righteous. But not in that snobby, bitchy kind of way. I'll only be self-righteous when i need to be. Its not that i hate it when people to ask me to do things, because i will do it. But when you ask me to do something that only benefits you, and leaves me in the dark, then i feel rather hesitant to do such things. But, in the past, i've been stupid enough to not think things through. So, i guess i'm adding this to my New Years resolution.